Seven Principles for a Healthy Marriage – Triston Morgan PhD, LMFT

In movie theaters, we love the thrill of sitting on the edge of our seats watching as a suffering character gets the antidote to their trouble in the nick of time.  Whether it’s a fairy tale princess waiting for true love’s kiss, Harry Potter and his friends casting spells, or a poisoned superhero anticipating the arrival of a healing solution—we love our struggling heroes to succeed in the end.  But the excitement is not the same when we, as the heroes and heroines of our own lives, struggle and wish for a solution in our own marriages.

Luckily, many great marriages are successful due to antidotes that you can use, too.  In our last issue, I outlined six signs that your marriage could be in trouble.  The solution to these symptoms is provided by John Gottman and his 40 years of successful marital research.  Follow his principles (or antidotes) and you will be on your way to a happier and healthier marriage.

Principle 1 – Enhance Your Love Maps

Become “intimately familiar with each other’s world,” as John Gottman would put it. Knowing each other’s goals, fears, desires, story, and history will go a long way in creating a marriage that lasts. Do you know your partner’s best and worst childhood memories? Do you know what stresses them during the day? Do you know the important people in your partner’s life (friends, potential friends, rivals or enemies)?

Principle 2 – Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

This is the antidote for “contempt” that I spoke about in my last article. Fondness and admiration for your partner includes having respect and love for them. It isn’t a complicated process—simply increase your positive feelings towards your partner. Fond memories and interpretations of what is happening presently in your relationship is key.

Principle 3 – Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

If you want a key to romance and a good sex life, here it is. Turning towards your partner means to emotionally reach for and lean towards them in difficult and easy times. When your partner sends you the message “I need you” – do you reach out for them? If not, then start reaching out for them emotionally and physically.

Principle 4 – Let Your Partner Influence You

This one is more for the guys (although it’s important for the gals too). John Gottman found that when a man in a relationship accepts influence from his partner, they are more likely to have a happier marriage.  Making decisions together, showing respect for each other’s opinions, and sharing the power will increase the ability for your marriage to succeed.

Principle 5 – Solve Your Solvable Problems…(read the rest of the story)

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness